TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally from position. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Of course, absolutely sure, let us have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer you Anyone a set to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from space, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company may ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting attention from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In Trump Tower Damascus accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even include things like:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD may have flip-down service."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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